For the second time this month I woke up to a facebook msg that a member of my family had died. This time it was my mum’s older brother, my Uncle Peter who was a very cool person. After a 9 hour wait at an ER a week or so ago they discovered he had been having a heart attack for 2 days so they rushed him off to another hospital where he ended up have quadruple bypass surgery. This resulted with him ending up with 20% normal heart function. After a couple of tense days in the ICU he didn’t survive. I don’t know any details. I just woke up and read he had died. I am sad, though even more sad for my mum. I feel very far away from her and my family and there’s not much I can do about it.  It has not been a happy month so far.

On Tuesday I went to see my obgyn for my yearly alien probe ( as one of my friends likes to call it) and discussed in my usual strung out nervous way how I had not been doing so well lately which led to the discussion about further treatments and procedures. The end result is something I have known was coming for a while now but dreaded and she has been nudging for. So in March I go for a colonoscopy. And I am not looking forward to that at all.I also go off the hormone treatment so I’m guessing March is going to suck the big one and being around me will not be a lot of fun.

The last week has been very pain filled and while I suspect and hope thy won’t find much in the actual bowels I do expect this will lead to another lap surgery to dig out the rest of the endometriosis and get rid of any adhesions. I am currently in a lot of pain in a very specific spot, it’s not getting better. This is the problem with endo, it is insidious. It’s like a cancer without actually being called cancer. Abnormal growths outside of where they are supposed to be.

So this means that we are not going to Crown Tourney. I just don’t want to risk big travels and staying over night in strange places when my body is in turmoil. I have pain I can handle at home but traveling throws it into chaos and makes it all ten times worse. At the moment I can live with the someone just shoved a dull spear through the lower left half of my back through my abdomen but driving for 6+ hours in a car will not make that any better. At home I can dose up on painkillers, retreat to the couch with a heating pad and doze my way through the misery. Plus given the change in hormone balance that will be happening I will probably be an utter bitch to be around and I don’t really want to subject anyone to that.

So I’m sad and feel very defeated. Not much else to say. I get through some of this by hiding in my studio creating arty things. Concentrating on the art makes me forget that I hurt through and through but it doesn’t make the sorrow go away.

Advertisements