Archive for October, 2012


fragile

Everyone who has ever been into space and seen the world from that high up says the same thing, how small we are, how fragile the world looks. Precarious is always the word that comes to my mind when I read or hear comments like these.

We inhabit a small space, really the Earth is small, and we’re protected by this thin layer of atmosphere, when you look at pictures from space it’s like a veil of gauzy pale blue. Dandelion fluff. Fragile, precious. And we human beings who like to think we rule the universe with our money, politics and our important lives are really blips on the map. Momentary fragments that vanish in a cosmic blink.

Someone once told me, when I got all bent out of shape over something trivial though it felt huge at the time to think; Will anyone care about this in a hundred years? If the answer is no, then let it go.

Sound advice that’s incredibly hard to follow some days.

We live our lives. Good days and bad and we forget that there is just so much more than us. So. Much. More.

When I was very young I remember thinking I had to go outside to watch things happen because if I saw it from behind a window it wasn’t real. The glass changed my reality and at 8 years old that was quite some perception. Open windows and open space. I was a strange little Scottish girl with weird ideas on how the world worked.  I have not really changed all that much.

When I was ten and we moved to northern Newfoundland I remember one night staring up at the brilliantly clear sky in awe at planets and stars wishing that whatever it was that made me see all of this magic never left me. I never wanted to change. Of course I did, but that ability to see magic in everything stayed and I am very grateful. I never wanted to be one of those frowney faced grownups I saw all the time, I never wanted to be like the two women I once shared a class with who were so old and so stuck in their ways even though they were not really much older that I was at the time that not only were they unhappy but they managed to infect everyone else with their unhappy as well. I, who am descended from gypsies, never ever wanted to be like that. I wore crazy clothes, wrote mad poetry, stuck my tongue out in every photo and drank beer with my mad, fab prof never ever wanted to be like that. It didn’t win my any popularity contests but I didn’t much care.

When my dad died it was earth shattering in so many ways there are not enough words to describe them all. People die every day but when you stand and watch someone’s last breath leave their body there’s no coming back from that. Gone. forever. And the lesson I took away from this was that life is fragile. In the blink of an eye everything changes. There is no going back. Ever.

Lesson learned. Every single day things change. People I love will die, will be hurt, will know pain. It sounds very drama llama I know but this is the state of me. I am aware everything changes all the time and even in the happiest of moments there will be sorrow. You cannot have one without the other. Change, as much as I hate it, flail against it, dig my heels, fight, curse and swear will happen anyway. It’s given me a low tolerance threshold for bullshit, rudeness, jealousy and all the other garbage that feeds our demented egos into doing really ugly things. I don’t put up with crap, I speak my mind though mostly I try to be polite about it( not always) and I don’t really care too much about what other people think, especially about me. No really I don’t. Like me, hate me or ignore me I do not care. I am a tiny blip on a tiny planet hanging precariously in space. In a hundred years no one will even know who I was. Only right here right now matters.

After my father’s death before his memorial service when I was away from home, back at school and feeling very very alone I remember lying in bed crushed by the depth of loss. I learned, in the dark, to breathe and let the sorrow wash through me, to allow it to be and accept it for what it is. This is a moment, accept it and move on because you can only go forward. I still experience these odd points in time where an unbelievable, overwhelming sadness takes my breath away but I close my eyes and let it journey through me until I can breathe again and walk on. One step at a time. Suck it up buttercup. Push through the pain and go forward.

Now 4 years shy of 50 I know my journey on this planet is pretty much half over if you calculate that most people live to around 90 ( give or take). I’m on the down side of the hill and I’m okay with this. I don’t regret a thing. Not one. Every single step I have taken, every single hard lesson learned, kindness given and received, loves lost and found have led me to this moment, right here right now and it is a good place. It won’t stay that way, nothing ever does, but in this moment, in the sunlight and the morning quiet I know that every second, good or bad, is precious and that I am lucky. Incredibly lucky. And I am grateful for all of it.

They tell you to cherish each day, to live each moment as though it would be your last. I don’t take this to mean be manic and go around doing amazing things etc… I take this to mean be aware. Life is short. Words have lasting power. Stop for a moment and breathe, watch birds fly, smile at a stranger, be kind, mind your manners and remember to say thank you. In the end I think we all want the same things, to be loved, to be noticed, to matter.

You only get one shot. Make it count, you know.

In the midst of all the angst, wars, brutality, bullying and hate I guess I find some joy, some excitement in watching a man do something no one else has quite done before. Maybe it was just a stunt to some but I think it was more. We don’t see too many amazing, good things on TV anymore, we don’t see too much about exploration, or testing our limits in a good positive way. I watched this with bated breath and I cheered for him when he reached every goal safely and when he landed, perfectly on the ground I cried because this was fucking cool. No one died, no one got shot for heresy and we learned new things. So it doesn’t matter to me one bit if this was just “another stunt” because even if it was it was amazing to see, to be part of the world who were watching ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I am willing to bet that aside from me I could name a few others who cheered like crazy when Felix landed safely. He did the impossible and that makes him mighty.

home

soooooo

Crown was fun, silly, side achingly laughingly silly. I was tired, in pain and sort of drugged up on painkillers so I laughed a lot, wore old garb and did a lot of dishes. Back to the roots, well my roots are ren fair style garb, the kitchen and being generally bawdy and silly. If my back hadn’t been so buggered I may have ended up dancing on the tables like the Randall, King of the East once did at a tiny event across the border oh so many many years ago.

It was quite the weekend and as an adventure it didn’t begin quite the way we had planned, what with the flat tire and all 40 km away from our hotel. But we made it anyway thanks to the amazing service from the Audi service center in Suhl. We were in time to check in have a lovely meal at the hotel and then be there for the evening court which sent Lief and Gottfried to vigil, it was an awesome, fun and little sweetly silly court. The two vigils were set side by side with an open bar so I don’t think I need to say much about that, we laughed a lot.

We stayed up until 2am then went to bed, got up early had breakfast to be on site for morning court. It was lovely and the weather held and people laughed at the right spots when the star wars scroll was held up and read out. I figured it would not be to everyone’s taste but then again it doesn’t matter as long as Lief was happy. A long time ago in a kingdom far far away suits the SCA very well and I think sometimes we forget this. Vive la revolution was in play and we played, had fun laughed did dishes and sang sea shanties.

We buggered off site at lunch time, ate something bad, took painkillers for the buggered back burst cyst thing what-ever then slept the afternoon away under a nifty fuzzy blanket and a heating pad, oh yay for heating pads. Sam and max kept me company.  It was either sleep in the afternoon or not make it to evening court and evening court was way more important. Gottfried was laurelled, many awards were given out and a mass birthday party complete with silly hats, cake and noise makers ensued.

Sometimes it’s about the friendships and the sheer joy of being with certain people who have the amazing ability to make everything shiny. Now we have heirs who will bring their own brand of special to the mix, I’m expecting lots and lots of joy, giggles and laughter so bring it on.

There were a few WTF moments, a few annoyances and a couple of disagreements but we, the collective, have decided that these are too unimportant to let them bother us and we ignored them in favour of laughter and awesomeness. I got some seriously good minion time with both my lovely fabprentices and got to spend some time with what may yet be our youngest scribe in training.  

My hero of the weekend is and always will be Marcus who is grace under pressure and loving when I am cranky. And for the delightful, long breakfasts with C. and P. as well as some equally nice Q time with E and C.  So many people found their way back from the awful sterility that’s been clogging up the works lately and just went all out, let their hair down and showed some ankle. Stripey stockings FTW ladies and you know who you are.

this was a good good solid event, all things considered, for the barony a definite win. Thanks to everyone who made it simply amazing because you know you are all fucking awesome.